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Robin Williams Quotes (1951-2014)
Actor, Writer, Singer
About Robin Williams
Robin McLaurin Williams (July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, director, producer, writer, singer, voice artist, and comedian.
Best Robin Williams Quotes
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Explore our curated collection of the most famous and impactful Robin Williams quotes.
“If alcohol is a crutch, then Jack Daniels is the wheelchair.”
- Robin Williams, A Night at the Met
“I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“One of the fundamental things is in a jihad. That sounds like a country western term like, "Jiii-had!"”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Somebody's losing a trailer.”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“We were talking briefly about cocaine...yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!”
- Robin Williams, A Night at the Met
“Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“[as a Shakespearean narrator] Mind not my words — Let the play be the thing. I'll get back forth and touch myself anon.”
- Robin Williams, Reality...What a Concept
“[Imitating a Frenchman] Fuck all of you! You cultureless, crass Americans! We hate all of you! Fu—the Germans are here! Hello, Americans! I love you!”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“Now, Michael Jackson is claiming racism. I'm going, "Honey, you gotta pick a race first." Baby, what are you claiming, mistreatment of elves? What are you saying?”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“The sound crapped out for a bit, that's why I'm using SupposiSound! No one wants their tapes back, I wonder why.”
- Robin Williams, A Night at the Met
“[talking to woman in audience about newcomers] That's your old boss? Did you fuck him? [loud laugher] Sorry. Okay. Not an inappropriate question to ask in Washington.”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“Nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here! Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“Before I go on, I want to ask if there are any Hell's Angels here tonight? [no response] … Those pussy-whipped faggots!”
“Catherine the Great, Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi: These may not be women you'd want to fuck, but you definitely don't want to fuck with them. And if you don't think a woman can handle a war, ask the Argentinians.”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“[On football] You're playing a game against a man called the Refrigerator! He's not a refrigerator – he's a goddamn HOUSE with LEGS!!”
- Robin Williams, A Night at the Met
“[regarding Sarah Palin] "I know about Russia because I can see it from my front yard!" You have amazing eyesight, number one... Well, I can see San Quentin from my house, but that doesn't make me an expert on prison reform.”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“(Imitating Royal Family) I've tell you we've not been inbred but don't look at the ears. That's all we can do is screw in a light bulb. Look at the teeth, look at the ears and go, something's gone wrong. Gene pool is a jacuzzi back up."”
- Robin Williams, Inside the Actors Studio
“There was an old, crazy dude who used to live a long time ago. His name was Lord Buckley. And he said, a long time ago, he said, "People: They're kinda like flowers and it's been a privilege walking in your garden." My love goes with you.”
- Robin Williams, Reality...What a Concept
“[Comparing Ronald Reagan's Cabinet to Star Wars] There's Henry Kissinger as Yoda, "Must now cannot see understanding that I be here for you. I will show you now, Nicaragua, Cambodia, Nicaragua, Cambodia, shhh. Must later understand!"”
- Robin Williams, A Night at the Met
“In the midst of all this, there was Bernie Madoff. An embezzler named "made off." Hmm. Was the name not a clue? Did he have to be with the accounting firm of Dewey, Fuckyou, and Howe?”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“[On husbands sharing their wives' childbearing experience] Unless you're passing a bowling ball, I don't think so. Unless you're trying to circumcise yourself with a chainsaw, I don't think so. Unless you're opening an umbrella up your ass, I don't think so!”
- Robin Williams, A Night at the Met
“And I know many of you are looking for Sarah Palin's new book, it is a bitch to find. Good luck. I found it somewhere between fiction and nonfiction, in the fantasy aisle.”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“I walked into my son's room the other day, and he's got four screens going at the same time. He's watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on this one, texting on that one, people say "He's got ADD." Fuck that, he's multitasking.”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“And people say to me, they say Jesus wasn't Jewish. I say of course he was Jewish. Thirty years old, single, living at home with his parents? Come on! Working in his father's business, his mother thought he was God's gift? He's Jewish! Give it up! It's an old tradition!”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“They made porn movies, of my movies! Good Will Humping? It's okay... Wet Dreams May Cum? All right... Snatch Adams? That was scary. A clown with a strap-on. Popeye... I would watch that. "Ag-gag-gag-ga, I creamed me spinach!"”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“Cheney shot a man in the face hunting quail. I don't know about East coast quail, but California quail are this fucking big. (indicates a position about a foot above the stage floor)”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“And California weed is kick-ass fuckin' weed. This is weed that even Jamaicans go "Oh, don't smoke that weed, man." It's California Catatonic. The type of weed, you hit it and it's like...[pantomimes smoking a blunt] "FUCK! Shit...I'm not doing something. What is it? Oh right, BREATHE!"”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“[About drug testing at the 1998 Winter Olympics] They said that marijuana was a performance-enhancing drug. BZZZT! Marijuana enhances many things: colors, tastes, sensations...but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn FEET!”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“But I know, as beatific as Gandhi was, there was somebody in a Bombay bar going, "I knew Gandhi...he was a prick. I saw him sucking down a pork hot dog, hitting on Mother Teresa. He kept saying, 'Who's your diaper daddy? Who's your diaper daddy?'"”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“Beer commercials usually show big men, manly men, doing manly things: "You've just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer." Why not have a realistic beer commercial, with a realistic thing about beer, where someone goes, "It's 5:00 in the morning. You've just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time."”
- Robin Williams, A Night at the Met
“[imitating weatherman] "Okay, let's go to our new hurricane weather map...(screen behind him shows a massive cyclone) ...FUCK! This is Hurricane Siobhan. The map is the entire South. The asshole in the middle is Dallas...um, crazy...back to you, Ted, I just shit myself.”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“And if they legalize it, they're gonna have to regulate it and they're gonna have to put a warning on a box of joints. It's gonna have to say, "Surgeon General has determined this will make your music...awesome! Even Yanni. And if you think you liked cartoons before..."”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“These drugs have side effects that go on for fuckin' days, like tendency-to-grow-another-head, oh my God! When we were growing up we knew the side effects of the drugs we were taking. Cocaine, side effects were paranoia, ninjas-on-the-lawn; quaaludes, side effects were talking in tongues, English as a second language; marijuana, side effects were laughter, Frosted Flakes.”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“There was one guy that had an amazing claim to fame, in terms of drugs and sports. And his name was Dock Ellis. And Dock Ellis did an incredible thing. The one person who knows, thank you. Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on LSD. Those of you who have taken LSD, tell the others how hard that might be. If I took LSD, I'd be talking to every blade of grass like "Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!"”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“I was on this German talk show and this woman said to me, she said, "Mr. Williams, why do you think there's not so much comedy in Germany?" I said, "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?" [laughter and applause] And...it was...and here's where it got interesting. She didn't bat an eyelash. She just went "No". At that point, even God's going, "Do you get it?!" German comedy: "Knock-knock--We ask the questions!".”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“[About the Swiss] The nice Germans, Yeah. Or as they like to say, the other white race. Now, I have only one question. How can you trust an army, how butch is an army that has a wine opener on its knife? "Many of you have never opened Chardonnay under fire! First, you pull the cork out, sniff it, say, "Meat or fish?", and throw! (Military cadence) I don't know, but I've been told, Chardonnay must be served cold! Ja!"”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“Parry is a man with a previous life that was so damaged that he had to create another personality. … It's like post-traumatic stress syndrome: Some people respond to traumatic or tragic events by withdrawal; some even create other personalities. Parry is a creation — somewhat Don Quixote, somewhat Groucho Marx — but he's a creation designed to avoid a past event.”
“And the French. The French have a bomb, too. Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb—ah! Only destroys restaurants under 4 stars. And they still test their bombs. They're one of the few people who still detonate their bombs. The underground test. Where do they do it? In the Sahara in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? "Because we're French. [pantomimes smoking a cigarette] Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest—fuck off. I sink you.”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“They call it freebasing. It's not free, it costs you your house! It should be called home basing! Three signs you're addicted to cocaine: First of all, if you come home to your house and you have no furniture and your cat's going "I'm outta here, prick!," Warning! Number two: If you have this dream where you're doing cocaine in your sleep and you can't fall asleep, and you wake up and you're doing cocaine, BINGO! Number three: if on your tax form it says, "$50,000 for snacks," MAYDAY!”
- Robin Williams, A Night at the Met
“I would like to do Shakespeare's only unknown piece, That's the Way I Lick It ... It's a bleak night my Lord. Look! The moon like a testicle hangs low in the sky. This bodes not well. ... Anon, post-haste, let's get a larger crowd in here. Free Cocaine! There's no luck. Does anyone have drugs to ease my pain? My Kingdom for a Quaalude! … It is the end! I must go, for I cannot come here, and yet, it has been brief, 'tis over, and the lights do turn bright. I'm melting! Help me! Help me! ”
“[spoofing Mister Rogers] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood... oh, damn, someone stole my sneakers. Let's do some wonderful things today, boys and girls; but first, do you mind if I take some more medication? It helps the day go a little bit slower. There we go. Now we're gonna do some wonderful experiments you can do around the house. Let's put Mr. Hamster in the microwave, okay?... He knows where he's going. BEEP! Pop goes the weasel! That's severe radiation. Can you say "severe radiation"? Oh, look, you got a little balloon now.”
- Robin Williams, Reality...What a Concept
“[About pre-9/11 and post-9/11 airport security] Airport security, remember before all this happened, was like, BEEP, 'Okay, get on the plane. Come on, get on the plane. Hold on one moment. What's that? Oh, that's a gun. Okay, get on the plane!' You could carry a four-inch blade on a plane. That's about that long. What are you doing, West Side Story in the aisle? "Going down the aisle! Crazy aisle!" Now, you can't even carry a nail-clipper on a plane. Are they afraid you're gonna go "ALL RIGHT! Gimme the plane or the bitch loses a cuticle! I have a nail file! I can be irritating!"”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“Baseball players have to go in front of a grand jury and say, "Yeah, I did cocaine. Can you blame me? It's a slow goddamn game! Come on Jack! Standing out in left field for seven innings, and there's a long white line going down to home plate! I see the guy putting it out going "Heh heh heh heh!!!!" And that damn organ music too, the whole [does intro to "Charge!"]! Third base coach is always doing this...[wiping nose, fidgeting around]. When he's doing that, I don't know whether to slide or do a line! People sliding into home plate head first, umpire goes, "You're out!" "No, baby, I'm up now! Ha ha ha!"”
- Robin Williams, A Night at the Met
“I want the guy who does Mexican soccer to do golf one time. "The ball is starting...the ball is going to the...HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE!" Just to see all those old WASPy motherfuckers go "Oh dear Christ! My God, they're not gardening, they're playing now, oh shit! What the hell are we gonna do?" Because that was their last domain of dominance. It was their area, they were the king, up until...Tiger. Yesss. Son of a black man and a Thai woman, not even a German geneticist could've thought that one up!”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“My favorite athletes of any Olympics are always the African distance runners. You never have to drug test an African distance runner.
"Are you on drugs?"
"No, I'm looking for food."
And I'm sure in Kenya they have a chicken that can run a sub 2-hour marathon....One of my favorite runners of all time was Abebe Bikila. He was an Ethiopian distance runner and he won the Rome Olympics [marathon] running barefoot. He was then sponsored by Adidas. He ran the next Olympics, he carried the fuckin' shoes. No performance enhancement there.”
"Are you on drugs?"
"No, I'm looking for food."
And I'm sure in Kenya they have a chicken that can run a sub 2-hour marathon....One of my favorite runners of all time was Abebe Bikila. He was an Ethiopian distance runner and he won the Rome Olympics [marathon] running barefoot. He was then sponsored by Adidas. He ran the next Olympics, he carried the fuckin' shoes. No performance enhancement there.”
- Robin Williams, Weapons of Self Destruction
“[Describing US food aid delivered to Afghanistan after 9/11] And what was in those packages? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter...and all you need's a Honey Baked Ham and you got a redneck Christmas. But... [Southern accent] "Who dropped the Honey Baked Ham on the Muslim public?" "Shhh! Idiot!" [own voice] Now, why are we dropping Pop-Tarts and peanut butter on Afghanistan? Number one: tastes a shitload better than dirt, yes. Number two, and more importantly: very difficult to have a call to jihad with a mouthful of peanut butter. [pretends to choke on a mouthful while shouting in Arabic] Secondly, or thirdly for those keeping track: Afghanistan is a hashish-smoking culture. And anyone who's ever been a friend of the hookah will go... [intense, stoned stare] "Pop-Tarts!" [yells and applauds ecstatically]”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“If you smoke a lot of pot, you may never become a rocket scientist. Or maybe, if you've seen some of the things that have happened recently with NASA, maybe you can. [imitates a person stoned on marijuana] "Okay, oh, okay, okay, here's a fun one, oh, fuck, okay. Okay, the Mars lander, okay? Fuck. I did the calculations in feet, but I programmed the lander in meters! Oops! So instead of landing, fucker buried! Hundred-and-eighty-five-million dollar whoopsie! Two years, splat! Oh, okay, fuck, here's a better one. The Hubble telescope. I forgot to put in a lens!" [covers one eye as if undergoing an eye exam] "'Read the top line.' 'Alpha Centauri...uh, Sirius...the rest is just a black hole.'"”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“Because now, when you go through airport security, it's tight. You go through the metal detector, and if you're heavily pierced, like some of my friends, it's like, (steps forward) "BZZT!" "Take out your keys, sir." Tip of the iceberg. (pantomimes removing various piercings from the ears, nostrils eyebrows, tongue; then reaches to the side, grabs an imaginary drill, points it at his crotch and makes a drilling noise) For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. And I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure Albert said "Victoria, I'm dying. I want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a bolt through the cock after me. That will be Victoria's Secret. Go, my darling!"”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“I do know this one thing. I know there is a cure for whatever bioterrorism that they send at us. I know there's one. And it lies within Keith Richards, I know that. He is the only man on the planet who can go [pantomimes snorting a line of powder] "Anthrax? All riiiiight. Hey. Doesn't go with my E. coli, but fuck." Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look fucking Amish. He's insane! I've seen Keith go to a drug dealer and the drug dealer's going, "I'm out, man, I'm sorry. I have nothing left!" Supposedly, he goes to Switzerland and changes his blood, not like one pint, but like a fucking Chevrolet, all of it. I just wanna know, who gets his blood? Some old Swiss man's going "HEIDI! We've gotta go on tour, you bitch! We've gotta pay for Mick's babies! C'mon!" Because I know this: I know that we may all be dead and gone. Keith will still be there with five cockroaches. Keith'll go "You know I smoked your uncle, did you know that? Fucking crazy..."”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“[Describing the drinking habits of different ethnic groups, in an Irish accent] You know if you're Irish, you've got a running start that you can do it better than we are. You know that because if you're Irish, you know, you'll kick my ass but then you'll fuckin' sing about it afterwards. [sings, dances a jig] "Oh, that night you said my wife was fat, I knocked you down and shit in your hat!" And then you keep drinking 'til you're in your eighties and you're on a dialysis machine, doing Liverdance and Michael Flatline! Beeeeeep! And they say the Irish saved civilization, drank a couple of Guinness and forgot where they fuckin' put it, but that's all right. [shifting to Japanese accent] Here's the drill, and the Japanese? They drink differently than us. It is a different thing where you can be very polite during the day, and all of a sudden you're "arigatou gozaimasu." And after five Jack Daniels..."TIE A YELLOW RIBBON! Hey, fucker! Karaoke for asshole with a microphone! Sing, you round-eyed fuck, come on!" [shifting to Scottish accent] And if you want a linguistic adventure, go drinking with a Scotsman - 'cause you can't fuckin' understand them before!”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
“And you realize how drunk (Scotsmen) get; they could wear a skirt and not care! And how they could invent a sport like golf! [Imitating a drunk Scotsman] "Here's my idea for a fuckin' sport. I knock a ball in a gopher hole!" Oh, you mean like pool? "Fuck off pool! Not with a straight stick, with a little fucked-up stick! I whack a ball, it goes in a gopher hole!" Oh, you mean like croquet? "FUCK CROQUET! I'll put the hole hundreds of yards away! Oh, fuck, oh yeah! It's great fun, there! Oh, yeah, it's a great thing!" Oh, like a bowling thing? "FUCK NO! Not straight, I put shit in the way! Like trees and bushes and high grass! So you can lose your fuckin' ball and go whackin' away with a fuckin' tire iron! Whackin' away and each time you miss, you feel like you're gonna have a stroke, ah ha! Fuck, that's what we'll call it, a 'stroke'! 'Cause every time you miss, you feel like you're gonna fuckin' die! Oh, great! Oh, and here's the better part, oh, fuck, this is brilliant. Right near the end, I'll put a flat piece, with a little flag to give you fuckin' hope. But then I'll put a pool and a sandbox to fuck with your ball again! Ah, you'll be there trashin' your ass, jerkin' away in the sand, ah ha!" Oh, and you do this one time? "FUCK NO! EIGHTEEN FUCKIN' TIMES!"”
- Robin Williams, Robin Williams
Robin Williams Quotes by Topic
Find exactly what you are looking for by browsing this categorized list of Robin Williams quotes by topic.
Robin Williams on Reality
Robin Williams on Death
Robin Williams on Comedy
Robin Williams on Divorce
What Robin Williams Said About Others
Discover personal opinions Robin Williams shared regarding contemporaries.
Robin Williams on Ted Kennedy
Robin Williams on Theodore Kaczynski
“In the 1960s there was a young man who had just graduated from the University of Michigan who was doing brilliant work in mathematics, specifically bounded harmonic functions. Then he went to Berkeley, where he was an assistant professor and showed amazing potential. Then he moved to Montana and blew the competition away.”
Robin Williams on Keith Richards
“I know there is a cure for whatever bioterrorism they throw at us, I know there's one. And it lies within Keith Richards, I do know that. He is the only man on the planet that could go (imitates Keith snorting something) "Anthrax? All right! Doesn't go with my E. coli, but fuck." Keith is the only man who makes The Osbournes look fucking Amish. He's insane. I've seen Keith go to a drug dealer and the drug dealer's goin', "I'm out, man, I'm sorry. I have nothing left!" Supposedly, he goes to Switzerland and changes his blood. Not like one pint, but like a fucking Chevrolet, all of it. I just wanna know, who gets his blood? Some old Swiss man's going, "HEIDI!! We've gotta go on tour, you bitch! We've gotta pay for Mick's babies! COME ON!!!" Because I know this. I know that we may all be dead and gone, Keith will still be there with 5 cockroaches. Keith will go, "Ya know, I smoked your uncle! Did ya know that? Fucking crazy!"”
Quotes About Robin Williams
Gain deeper perspective through quotes about Robin Williams from others.
Tweet from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences (11 Aug 2014) on Robin Williams
Patch Adams on Robin Williams
“Robin Williams was a wonderful, kind and generous man. One important thing I remember about his personality is that he was unassuming — he never acted as if he was powerful or famous. Instead, he was always tender and welcoming, willing to help others with a smile or a joke. Robin was a brilliant comedian — there is no doubt. He was a compassionate, caring human being. While watching him work on the set of the film based on my life — Patch Adams — I saw that whenever there was a stressful moment, Robin would tap into his improvisation style to lighten the mood of cast and crew. … Contrary to how many people may view him, he actually seemed to me to be an introvert. When he invited me and my family into his home, he valued peace and quiet, a chance to breathe — a chance to get away from the fame that his talent has brought him. … I’m enormously grateful for his wonderful performance of my early life, which has allowed the Gesundheit Institute to continue and expand our work.”
Alan Alda on Robin Williams
“For years, we had watched with awe as a Niagara of wit poured from his unconscious. Where did that manic waterfall of funny have its source? … Unfortunately, sometimes the mind that runs so fast it can’t keep up with itself also has its downtime. I didn’t know he suffered from depression, although it doesn’t surprise me. But it makes me want to do something. I hope it makes us all want to do something.”
Lewis Black on Robin Williams
“There were jokes of his that made me laugh hard, but it was the going from one thing to another, making those connections. It’s like how you watch an improv group take suggestions. It was like Robin had the most brilliant audience inside his head throwing out suggestions, because he would put combinations together that were just crazy. And how he could work out of the moment. That working out of the moment is a gift, but he did it on another level. … He’s gonna be missed. There’s a hole, and it’s gonna take a long time to be filled.”
Russell Brand on Robin Williams
“Poor Robin Williams, briefly enduring that lonely moment of morbid certainty where it didn’t matter how funny he was or who loved him or how many lachrymose obituaries would be written. I feel bad now that I was unduly and unbefittingly snooty about that handful of his films that were adjudged unsophisticated and sentimental. He obviously dealt with a pain that was impossible to render and ultimately insurmountable, the sentimentality perhaps an accompaniment to his childlike brilliance. We sort of accept that the price for that free-flowing, fast-paced, inexplicable comic genius is a counterweight of solitary misery. That there is an invisible inner economy that demands a high price for breathtaking talent. … Robin Williams could have tapped anyone in the western world on the shoulder and told them he felt down and they would have told him not to worry, that he was great, that they loved him. He must have known that. He must have known his wife and kids loved him, that his mates all thought he was great, that millions of strangers the world over held him in their hearts, a hilarious stranger that we could rely on to anarchically interrupt, the all-encompassing sadness of the world. Today Robin Williams is part of the sad narrative that we used to turn to him to disrupt. … we must reach inward and outward to the light that is inside all of us … Do you have time to tune in to Fox News, to cement your angry views to calcify the certain misery? What I might do is watch Mrs. Doubtfire. Or Dead Poets Society or Good Will Hunting and I might be nice to people, mindful today how fragile we all are, how delicate we are, even when fizzing with divine madness that seems like it will never expire.”
About Robin Williams
Robin McLaurin Williams (July 21, 1951 – August 11, 2014) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, director, producer, writer, singer, voice artist, and comedian.