John Oliver Quotes (1977-)

“When children from other countries are telling us that we've made them fear the sky, it might be time to ask some hard questions.”

“History, when taught well, shows us how to improve the world. But history when taught poorly falsely claims there is nothing to improve…”

“Family separation is perhaps the most emblematic moment of his presidency thus far. It was cruel, sloppy, needless, racist, and ultimately exactly what we should have expected.”

“From the beginning, America — like most countries — was built on polite fictions by men who could somehow hold in their heads the idea that all men were created equal at the exact same time that they were drawing up the three-fifths compromise.”

“Human dignity has to be a prerequisite for negotiating anything. And Palestinians in the West Bank have their dignity challenged hundreds of times a day! From having beer bottles thrown at their heads, to being detained for kicking balls near fences, to having their homes stolen, bulldozed, and far, far worse. And to be clear, dignity is the absolute beginning of this. What's required is justice.”

“You have just constructed a straw man so large you could burn it in the desert and hold an annoying festival around it.”

“When children from other countries are telling us that we've made them fear the sky, it might be time to ask some hard questions.”

“When children from other countries are telling us that we've made them fear the sky, it might be time to ask some hard questions.”

“As tempting as it is to dismiss the controversy that follows Tucker every week as one more artifact of our outrage culture, it's important to remember that what Tucker is saying is fucking outrageous.”

“And that is your tragedy, Jon. [imitating Stewart and affecting falsetto] Look at me! I'm a sad clown! I hate you! I need you! I hate you! I need you! I don't want you, but I need constant attention and reinforcement from you laughter!”

“Women may be whole oceans deeper than we are, but they are also a whole paradise better. She may have got us out of Eden, but as a compensation she makes the earth very pleasant.”

“Think about it: if a quarter of Medical residency think that black people have thicker skin and nurses are being told that they think suffering is inevitable, that might lead to black people’s pain being treated differently.”

“Ryan Zinke is not, in fact, a geologist. He has never been a geologist. What he did is major in geology in college, which does not make you a geologist. All it does is qualify you to watch the movie San Andreas and whisper to your friend, "It wouldn't happen like that."”

“The Founding Fathers created a system of checks and balances to limit the power of the President, but it only works if someone fucking checks or balances. And if you don't, it's no longer on Trump, it's on you. Because when you've got the presidential equivalent of a five-year-old shitting on the salad bar of a Ruby Tuesdays, at some point you stop blaming the five-year-old, and you start blaming the people who are not stopping him. Stop that boy, that's what I am saying. Stop that boy, now.”

“On the 6th May 2011 episode of The Bugle John created the phrase "fuckyoulogy", an obituary for someone recently deceased who most certainly will not be missed.”

“Here's a guy who likes to take boring topics and make them interesting. If you can do that for an administrative process like the FCC on net neutrality, imagine the level of interest in issues people are even more familiar with at the state level.”

“The knowing know that police reform, that abortion rights, that labor unions are important, but go no further: What is important, after all, is to signal that you know these things. What is important is to launch links and mockery at those who don't. The Good Facts are enough: Anybody who fails to capitulate to them is part of the Problem, is terminally uncool. No persuasion, only retweets. Eye roll, crying emoji, forward to John Oliver for sick burns.”

“When John Oliver told viewers that if they opposed abortion they had to change the channel until the last minute of the program, when they would be shown “an adorable bucket of sloths,” he perfectly encapsulated the tone of these shows: one imbued with the conviction that they and their fans are intellectually and morally superior to those who espouse any of the beliefs of the political right. Two days before the election, every talking head on television was assuring us that Trump didn’t have a chance, because he lacked a “ground game.” After his victory, one had to wonder whether some part of his ground game had been conducted night after night after night on television, under flattering studio lights and with excellent production values and comedy writing.”

“For years, Oliver has criticized the estate tax, which opponents, in a smart linguistic move dreamed up by Frank Luntz, long ago labeled the “death tax”; and the tax code’s raft of loopholes that benefit special interests he identified as oil companies and hedge fund managers. Oliver even briefly established the bogus Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption to draw attention to tax-exempt status granted to churches and charities. Back in July 2014, in an episode in which he lamented the "Wealth Gap in America” (which has resulted in the richest one percent of Americans controlling 20 percent of annual income), Oliver said, “At this point the rich are just running up the score…What sets America apart is that we are actively introducing policies that disproportionately benefit the wealthy,” such as tax cuts and loopholes like trusts. So it’s a little surprising to discover that just months before, Oliver had a tax attorney set up two revocable trusts, one for him and one for his wife, to hide the couple’s purchase of a $9.5 million Manhattan penthouse. Then he used a tax loophole created by Donald Trump himself back in the 1970s, when the current president was merely a prominent New York real estate developer and aspiring celebrity author.”

“No one takes more glee in dumping their shit on middle America than John Oliver. [...] If he delivered the exact same words sounding as if he went to school with Miley Cyrus, no one would take him seriously.”

“Over the years, John Oliver has a history of creating energy for an overlooked issue over the course of his program, and then turning that energy into activism through a stunt at the end. He's pointed out how ridiculously corrupt the predatory lending industry is by buying 15 million dollars worth of medical debt for just 60 thousand dollars and forgiving it. He's raised awareness for net neutrality by making the petititon site "goffcyourself.com". He's written a children's book called Last Week Tonight With John Oliver Presents: A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo to combat Mike Pence's support for conversion therapy, which raised millions of dollars for The Trevor Project and AIDS United. That is a much more concrete difference to make than getting a bunch of liberals to show up to the "Rally to Restore Sanity."”