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David Cross Quotes (1964-)
Actor, King
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Explore our curated collection of the most famous and impactful David Cross quotes.
βNot funny, not funny says she, didn't like it!β
βI don't remember ordering the Christian sandwich...β
βRickey Henderson, pick up the phone, man, it's me... you.β
βSo all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.β
βIf the terrorists hated freedom, the Netherlands would be fucking dust.β
βIf you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.β
βIf someone gives you a kazoo and toots around the house to MTV, they're not gonna fuck you.β
βThe Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!β
β[With reference to a 'how to date' book] Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.β
βHigh Times magazine is a notch intellectually below Highlights for Children. I mean, they're both great to read when you're baked, but come on, ya know...β
βWe get to see it! January 1st, 2000! We get to see... all those fundamentalist preachers having to do their backpedaling when the Armageddon doesn't occur.β
βI think we can all agree that Blue Lives Murder. Now... Not all of them, not most of them, but a bunch of em, murder. [scoffs] Theyre murdering us. Well, not us. We're white, but....β
βSo at the CES, there was a guy selling off this porno called Fuck My Dirty Shithole: The Movie. I bet you're thinking exactly what I was thinking β¦ how did they make that book into a movie?β
β[After having made an abortion joke] I know that can hit close to home for some people....was anyone here aborted?... (mimicking child's voice:) 'I was found in a trash can!' Okay, well, that sorta counts...β
βIt's hip to be square. Remember that shitty song by that shitty band 20 motherfuckin' years ago?β
βAll my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. Youβre just inconvenienced.β
David Cross Quotes by Topic
Find exactly what you are looking for by browsing this categorized list of David Cross quotes by topic.
David Cross on War on terror
David Cross on Human sacrifice
βSo I was watching all the Katrina coverage and I got really angry at... Christians who didn't pray hard enough... It's their fucking fault. First off, they needed to pray against the people that were praying for Katrina to hit, because New Orleans is a den of sin and iniquity; an area where gay people dance! But now they have to pray double, and if they had just put that little effort up front, we could've avoided all of this. I think it's time we take a lesson from history, and return to human sacrifice.β
About David Cross
David Cross (born April 4, 1964) is an American stand-up comedian and actor.