Stephen Colbert on University of Virginia

“And I just want to say the students at UVA are incredible. The men are all gentlemen and the women are all the most beautiful and intelligent in the world. And I’m not saying that because I dated a UVA girl. I’m saying that because I married her.”

“But of course, the greatest figure associated with UVA is your founder, Thomas Jefferson. TJ. Prez Tommy Jef. The freckly anti-Federalist. Louisiana purchy. Old bible-slicer. Or as most Americans know him, the inventor of the six-inch wooden cipher wheel. In founding this great institution Jefferson wrote, we wish to establish in the upper country of Virginia a university on a plan so broad and liberal and modern as to be a temptation of the youth of other states to come a drink the cup of knowledge and fraternize with us. And according to Playboy, you have lived up to that vision.”

“I’d also like to thank the Board of Visitors. Board of Visitors, of course that name goes all the way back to your founder, Thomas Jefferson, who was just trying to put the local Indians at ease. “Just visiting. Should be going home any century now.” And that’s just one of the many unique, dignified terms that sets UVA apart from other universities. Instead of freshmen, you have first years. Instead of a quad, you call it a Lawn. Instead of saying we are members of a proud educational tradition dating back to our nation’s founders, you say “Wahoowa!” Which begs the eternal question, “Wahoowhy?””

“So have the courage to follow the example of your founder, Thomas Jefferson, the greatest mind of that most daring generation, to create something new for yourselves and lay its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form as to you shall seem most likely to affect your safety and happiness. And know that though he wrote these words 237 years ago, that this generation, no less than his generation, has their own opportunity to recognize and seize that moment when in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands that have connected them with another and assume among the powers of the earth your separate and equal station and for the support of this, mutually pledge to each other your lives, your fortune, and your sacred honor. If anyone can do this, it is the graduates of the university Jefferson founded. You are his intellectual heirs. In fact, some of you may be his actual heirs. We’re still testing the DNA. So thank you for this honor and congratulations to the Class of 2013. Wahoowha!”