Stanley Holloway Quotes (1890-1982)

“As Sergeant walks past he was swinging his arms,
And he happened to brush against Sam,
And knocking his musket clean out of his hand,
It fell to the ground with a slam”

“The same thing occurred when the Major and Colonel
Both tried to get Sam to see sense,
But when Old Duke o' Wellington came into view
Well, then the excitement was tense”

“It caused quite a stir when the Captain arrived
To ‘find out the cause of the trouble’
And every man there, all excepting Old Sam,
Was full of excitement and bubble.”

“'Pick it oop' said the Sergeant, abrupt-like, but cool,
But Sam with the shake of his head,
Being that thou knocked it out of me 'and,
Let thou pick the thing up, instead”

“All excepting one man who was in the front rank,
A man by the name of Sam Small,
And 'im and the Sergeant were both 'daggers drawn',
They thought 'nowt' of each other at all”

“The sound of 'igh words
very soon reached the ears of an officer, Lieutenant Bird,
Who said to the Sergeant, 'Now what's all this here?'
And the Sergeant told what had occurred.”

“'Alright Duke,' said Old Sam, 'just for thee I'll oblige,
And to show thee I meant no offence',
So Sam picked it up, 'Gradely, lad' said the Duke,
'Right-o boys... let battle commence.'”

“It occurred on the evening before Waterloo,
And troops were lined up on parade,
The Sergeant inspecting 'em he was a terror,
Of whom every man was afraid”

“Now my sister's daughter, Elizabeth May
Is going to get married next Sunday, they say
Now what will I buy her? She's such a nice girl.
I think a piano will do very well.
I saw one today, 'twas a beauty I found.
Only ninety-five guineas. I'll have it sent round.”

“And yet I don't know. And yet I don't know!
The sewing machine that cost me twenty guineas or so.
And that would buy plenty of linen and thread
And things that are hand-made are best, so it's said.
It's not that I'm mingy - although I'm half Scotch.
I know what I'll buy her. A Ingersoll watch.”

“My knees started knocking, I did feel so sad.
Then Brown said, "Don't die in a pub, it looks bad,"
He said, "Come with me, I'll show you what to do.
Now I've got a friend who'll be useful to you."
He led me to Black's Undertaking Depot,
And Black, with some crepe round his hat said, "Hello,
My word you do look queer!"”

“I crawled in the street and I murmured,"I'm done."
Then up came Old Jenkins and shouted,"Oh son!"
"My word you do look well!
My word you do look well!
You're looking fine and in the pink!"
I shouted, "Am I? Come and have a drink!
You've put new life in me,
I'm sounder than a bell.
By gad! There's life in the old dog yet.
My word I do feel well!"”

“I've been very poorly but now I feel prime,
I've been out today for the very first time.
I felt like a lad as I walked down the road,
Then I met Old Jones and he said, "Well I'm blowed!
My word you do look queer!
My word you do look queer!
Oh, dear! You look dreadful: you've had a near shave,
You look like a man with one foot in the grave."
I said, "Bosh! l'm better; it's true I've been ill."
He said, "I'm delighted you're better, but still,
I wish you'd a thousand for me in your will.
My word, you do look queer!"”

“And yet I don't know. And yet I don't know!
The handkerchiefs that cost me three shillings or so -
And that seems a lot for poor Uncle John
And anything goes to blow noses on.

Talking of noses, hers is red enough.
I know what I'll buy her. A nice powder puff.

Now she can't powder her nose with a grand piano.
Nor yet with a sewing machine.
She can't powder her nose with an Ingersoll watch -
Well that's silly, you know what I mean.
She can't powder her nose with a jumper.
She'll find that a little bit rough.
So I'll pop round to Woolworth's tomorrow, God bless her
And buy her a nice powder puff.

And yet I don't know. And yet I don't know!
Sixpence ha'pennies aren't found in back yards.
I'll not buy her a powder puff at all - no.
I'll just send her my kindest regards.”