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Phil Hartman Quotes (1948-1998)
Actor, Writer, Artist
About Phil Hartman
Philip Edward Hartmann (24 September 1948 – 28 May 1998), better known as Phil Hartman, was a Canadian-born American graphic artist, writer, actor, voice artist and comedian.
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Explore our curated collection of the most famous and impactful Phil Hartman quotes.
“Lionel: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.”
“Lionel: Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.
Marge: But we did win.
Lionel: That's okay. The box is empty.”
Marge: But we did win.
Lionel: That's okay. The box is empty.”
“Lionel: Mrs. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night; the sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.”
“[narrating "Sex" by Madonna on tape] I like my vagina. Sometimes I stare at it in the mirror when I'm undressing, and wonder what it would look like without any hair.”
“Phil Hartman [singing]: I hide behind these wigs and this make-up, but tonight, I'm gonna let myself shine through. They're gonna see the real Phil Hartman, TONIGHT!
Steve Martin: I wouldn't do that, Phil.
Phil Hartman: Okay.”
Steve Martin: I wouldn't do that, Phil.
Phil Hartman: Okay.”
“Lionel: Oh no, we've drawn Judge Schneider.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel: Yeah...if you replace the word "kinda" with "repeatedly" and the word "dog" with "son"...”
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel: Yeah...if you replace the word "kinda" with "repeatedly" and the word "dog" with "son"...”
“Lionel: I've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge. People just love your no-pressure approach.
Marge: Well, you know what we say: the right house for the right person.
Lionel: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The right house is the house that's for sale. And the right person is anyone.”
Marge: Well, you know what we say: the right house for the right person.
Lionel: I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The right house is the house that's for sale. And the right person is anyone.”
“Troy: Welcome to the Knowledgeum, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car unfortunately will be subject to repeated break-ins and... [Fades]
Homer: What'd he say? What about my car?”
Homer: What'd he say? What about my car?”
“Troy: I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as "Buck Henderson, Union Buster" and "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory". Today I'm here to tell you about "Spiffy.", the 21st century stain remover. Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.
Dr Nick: Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody.
Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick.”
Dr Nick: Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody.
Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick.”
“Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, I'm just a Caveman. I fell in some ice and later got thawed out by your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me. Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW and run off into the hills or whatever. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, did little demons get inside and type it? I don't know. My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts.”
“Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer (slurring): [Aboard airplane] Stewardess, could you get me another drink?
Stewardess: Sorry sir, the head steward said you already had enough.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer: But she don't understand, I need this drink. I'm a caveman and I'm frightened by your strange flying machine, so get me another Dewars and water, pronto.
Stewardess: Sorry sir.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer: Listen, I'll sue you and your WHOLE CRUMMY AIRLINE!”
Stewardess: Sorry sir, the head steward said you already had enough.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer: But she don't understand, I need this drink. I'm a caveman and I'm frightened by your strange flying machine, so get me another Dewars and water, pronto.
Stewardess: Sorry sir.
Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer: Listen, I'll sue you and your WHOLE CRUMMY AIRLINE!”
About Phil Hartman
Philip Edward Hartmann (24 September 1948 – 28 May 1998), better known as Phil Hartman, was a Canadian-born American graphic artist, writer, actor, voice artist and comedian.