Steve Martin Quotes (1945-)

“People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."”

“I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.”

“It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it — The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.”

“The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity I need. My name in print. That really makes somebody. Things are going to start happening to me now!”

“Hosting the Oscars is like making love to a beautiful woman — it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal's out of town.”

“All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: "Dead men don't wear plaid."
Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid.
I still don't know what it means.”

“Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! [audience repeats] I promise to be unique! [audience repeats] I promise not to repeat things other people say! [audience repeats, laughs] Good!”

“You know, a lot of people come to me and they say: "Steve, how can you be so fucking funny?" There's a secret to it, it's no big deal. Before I go out, I put a slice of bologna in each of my shoes. So when I'm on stage, I feel funny.”

“I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening — or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning … But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.”

“It's so hard to believe in anything anymore, you know what I mean? It's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, 'cause it seems so mythological, and seems so arbitrary; and then on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. — I guess I wouldn't believe in anything if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
[Audience member]: What's your mood watch say?
Martin: Yeah, I remember when I had my first beer.”