Mitch Hedberg Quotes (1968-2005)

“I like the FedEx driver, because he's drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time!”

“I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.”

“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.”

“I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude you're a cow, the metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."”

“An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs". Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.”