Bill Burr on Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Anybody here think they could move to Austria, learn the language, become famous for working out, then be a movie star, then marry into their royalty, and hold public office? How many lifetimes would you need… I’m on my third attempt at Rosetta Stone Spanish. All right? How can I judge these guys? I can barely handle the temptations of Facebook.”

“That dude [Schwarzenegger] should be unloading trucks in Transylvania. That should have been the height of his success. But because he’s a great man, he had the balls to move to America, became famous for lifting weights. I lift weights. Nobody gives a shit. He lifts weights… [grunts in mock weightlifting strain] “Aah, aah, aah!” Becomes super famous. Did he rest on his laurels? No. Next challenge: “I’m gonna become an actor despite the fact that nobody can really understand me.” Against all odds, he starts making movies. [Imitates Schwarzenegger's stilted voice] “Get down! There’s a bomb. Get out of there!” Becomes one of the biggest blockbuster stars of all time. “What are you gonna do next, Arnie?” “I think I’ll marry a Kennedy.” “There’s no fucking way you can do that.” Bam! he does it. Cherry on top. I’m running for governor of a state I can’t even pronounce, and he wins the election. Why wouldn’t this guy think he couldn’t bang his maid in his own bed and get away with it? This dude has been in the zone for over four decades! Four decades… nothin’ but net. Bang a maid in my own bed? Dude, that’s a layup. Are you serious? I had a hit movie with a midget. I don’t even need a condom.”